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Coping with Grief During the Holidays

The holidays can be a challenging time for many reasons. They can involve the stress of planning, hosting, and reuniting with others that you haven’t seen in a while. However, the burdens of the holidays heavily weigh when accompanied by grieving the loss of a loved one.

Although we cherish the memories we share with a person we love who has passed, they also serve as a reminder of their loss. It can be challenging to navigate the world without them, especially when celebrating time with family and friends. Particularly after the first year of death, survivors must learn to develop new holiday traditions.

Grief has no timeline, and it uniquely impacts each person. One way to begin to cope with grief during the first holiday season is to allow yourself to acknowledge that things will be different this year. The holiday season can feel stressful enough already, so recognizing the change can help you feel more prepared to experience this season of life in a new way. You can prepare by making specific plans and creating a safe space with your support system. Also, remember that sometimes, the anticipation of the holidays can actually be more stress-inducing than the day itself.

If you feel like you aren’t sure where to begin when coping with grief this holiday season, we are here to support you! Below are some strategies to help you cope with losing a loved one this upcoming holiday season.

Tips for Coping with Grief During the Holidays

Set reasonable and gentle expectations for yourself.

Remembering that this year won’t feel the same is okay. Decide if you can handle the same responsibilities and expectations for the holidays. If not, it’s okay to make changes to your traditions to support yourself at that time. Examine your current traditions and decide if you would like to continue them. Accepting others’ offers to cook, host, or help provide for the holidays is okay. Consider shopping by phone or computer to avoid crowds or memories.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you.

Share your holiday plans with family members to make them aware of new traditions or routines. Let them know how they can support you. If you want to help them in a time of need, they want to be there to support you in yours as well! You can also honor your loved one by sharing stories of them and looking at memory books during the celebration.

It’s okay to avoid some experiences you don’t feel ready to handle yet. Despite the temptation, try to avoid isolating yourself. Make time for solitude to remember and grieve your loss, but balance it with planned social activities. Surrounding yourself with loved ones can help the burden of grief feel lighter.

There are no ‘bad’ emotions. Let yourself feel all of them.

Joy, sadness, anger, betrayal, relief. So many emotions can emerge from the grief of loss. There is no right or wrong way to experience your grief. The grieving process will look different for each person. Also, remember that experiencing joy or laughter during a time of grief does not mean you have forgotten your loved one.

Take care of yourself. Find healthy ways to bring yourself comfort in this challenging time.

Try to avoid using substances like alcohol to self-medicate your mood. Try to avoid the typical hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Try to prioritize physical wellness in your routine. This wellness routine could include taking walks or exercising. Many individuals feel relief from depression symptoms after incorporating more movement into their daily routine. Writing in a journal could also be a helpful outlet to express your grief.

The most important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate a holiday season after the death of a loved one. Give yourself and those close to you some grace when navigating changes in your routine. It is okay to feel everything that you are feeling. The best coping mechanisms are to plan, lean on the support of others, and, most importantly, have compassion for yourself and your grief journey.

To Learn More or Book an Appointment

Interested in learning more mental health tips, tricks, or facts? Check out our blog or head to our resource page to learn more.

For more resources and information about grief, check out the What is Grief page from the Cleveland Clinic below:

What Is Grief? Types, Symptoms & How To Cope (clevelandclinic.org)

If you are interested in seeing a See You Through It Counseling therapist, book an appointment.

To discover what the therapists at See You Through It Counseling offer, please go to our team page.

blog, Mental Health

What Is Masking: Understanding Masking in ASD

As I rise, in the morning, I’ve noticed that the air feels chilly and crispy. The leaves on trees are blossoming into beautiful shades of yellow, orange, red and brown before gently falling and filling the yards and streets of my neighborhood. I’ve found myself digging through tubs of sweatshirts and hoodies that I retired for the summer to equip me for the changing weather. All of these occurrences can mean only one thing… Fall is here! The season is changing, and the world is preparing itself for a new beginning. When I normally think of fall, my mind goes straight to all things spooky and wicked. I imagine ghost stories being told around a fire, families carving twisted smiles into Jack O’Lanterns, and kids with masks walking door to door trick or treating and giving a good spook to their neighborhood while doing so. What a treat! However, did you know that the term ‘Masking” doesn’t just mean throwing on your scariest face mask for some Halloween fun?

In the mental health field, the term Masking suggests that someone is attempting to hide or camouflage certain parts of themselves to seem more socially appealing to the people around them. Individuals often feel like they have to ‘mask’ their true selves or their behaviors when they do not feel like they would be accepted by the dominant culture that they are living in. They may feel like hiding certain traits or parts of their identity can help them succeed socially without the fear of judgment or prejudice from others for being ‘different’.

Masking is a common coping mechanism for individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). When individuals are growing up with Autism, they can recognize from a young age that the way they process information or interact socially may be different from their peers. In an attempt to hide these differences, individuals with ASD start ‘masking’ by learning the “normal” behaviors of those around them, practicing and performing those behaviors, and suppressing any urge to engage in “undesirable behaviors” in order to appear more like their peers.

Many of the behaviors that are suppressed through masking can actually be soothing for individuals with ASD but can appear unusual to others who do not have an ASD diagnosis or who are not educated about Autism. For example, Stimming, also known as self-stimulating behavior, is a common soothing behavior that includes repetitive body movements or noises. Some common examples of stimming behaviors for individuals with ASD include repeating words or phrases, rocking back and forth, repetitive blinking, flapping hands, rubbing or picking skin, pacing or walking on tiptoes, etc.

Although the purpose of these behaviors can look different for each person, a common theory is that stimming helps regulate sensory input, which can be a very overwhelming process for individuals with ASD. Stimming can help individuals adapt to their environment by either increasing or decreasing sensory overload and help them better process information. Stimming can also be calming because repetitive motions can affect the body’s vestibular system which helps with balance and orientation of the body while also calming one’s nervous system. However, there can also be maladaptive effects of stimming such as disruptive behaviors, distractions in learning environments, and self-injurious behaviors such as head banging.

Another common way for individuals with ASD mask to protect themselves in society is by suppressing their interests and hobbies. Many people with ASD have special interests or hobbies that they study from a young age, and this oftentimes becomes a field of expertise for them. When interacting with others, it can feel less intimidating to discuss these interests because facts and information can be shared and talked about freely without having to address other social nuances in ‘small talk’ conversations. However, this behavior is often interpreted as dominating the conversation and is normally viewed in an undesirable way. To address this, individuals with ASD will study the social interactions with others and incorporate these observed skills and traits into their interactions with others to mold themselves into a more socially acceptable version of themselves.

Although Masking is a social skill used for survival and protection for individuals with ASD, the long-term effects of Masking can actually be quite harmful. Much research has shown that individuals with ASD who mask more tend to show more symptoms of depression and anxiety, and Masking may even be linked to an increase in suicidal behaviors. There are several theories that could explain this phenomena, one as simple as feeling exhausted from navigating a world that is not adapted to suit new ways of thinking or communicating. Masking prevents individuals from developing their identity and reaching their full potential by trying to make themselves palatable to others. It’s hard enough to find your place in the world, let alone figuring out who you really are when the world seems to always remind you that who you are isn’t good enough.

You may be wondering- where do we go from here? Knowing everything we’ve just learned about Masking; does it mean that I should stop? Although I can’t give you all the answers, I have made it my goal to equip you with as much information as possible in order to help you make meaningful decisions moving forward about how this topic impacts your life.

Throughout my career, I have found that one of the biggest obstacles individuals face when Masking is a negative self-image and internalized stigma that makes them feel obligated to hide their true selves. But there is hope! Therapy can be immensely helpful when trying to work through this. By engaging in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and learning how to seek relief from our negative thoughts and feelings, we may find that we no longer need to Mask as much, if at all. It is my hope that through compassion and self-love, we can all learn to put our masks down and show the world our true selves a little more often.

-Alyssa

To Learn More or Book an Appointment

Interested in learning more mental health tips, tricks, or facts? Check out our blog or head to our resource page to learn more.

For more resources and information about Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), check out the NeuroClastic website:

NeuroClastic » The Autism Spectrum According to Autistic People

If you are interested in seeing a See You Through It Counseling therapist, book an appointment.

To discover what the therapists at See You Through It Counseling offer, please go to our team page.

blog, depression

6 Tips to Cope with Seasonal Depression

How to Cope with Seasonal Depression Alyssa Scolari 1

Am I the only one who feels like this winter has been so rough? And it’s not even because of the cold, per se. I don’t hate the cold, and if it snows, you’ll find me bundled up in my backyard kicking up fresh powder with my dogs – one of my ultimate happy places. But this winter hasn’t brought snow. The older I get, the more global warming has turned my town into less of a winter wonderland and more of a gray, damp mud pit. It’s dark, wet, and just cold enough to be uncomfortable, but not cold enough to snow. Without having snow to get me through, this is the first year where I’m noticing seasonal depression is getting to me.

I realize, however, that many folks have seasonal depression every year, regardless of whether it snows or not. The lack of sunlight leads to staying indoors more, which leads to a more sedentary lifestyle, which leads to less socialization, ALL of which contribute to depression. I know many of us are struggling this time of year, counting down the days until Spring and Summer. But no one wants to live like that – waiting for the days to pass so we can finally feel a sense of peace. There are so many ways to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder (a fancy term for seasonal depression or the winter blues), so let’s get into it!

Go outside! Yes, it’s cold. Yes, it’s unpleasant. But part of the reason seasonal depression hits us so hard is because we become deficient in Vitamin D due to the lack of sunlight. So bundle up and get outside for a walk, even if it’s just for ten minutes during your lunch break. The more sunshine you can get, the better off you’ll be. Even on a cloudy day, if you go out for a walk, you’re still absorbing some sunlight and doing your mental health a world of good.
Adjust your circadian rhythm to be more aligned with daylight. Your circadian rhythm is your body’s natural sleep/wake cycle. In the winter, it gets dark early at night. If you can get to bed earlier and wake up with the sun, you’ll increase your daily sunlight intake and decrease your risk of depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Buy yourself some indoor plants. You don’t have to be a plant expert to be able to take care of indoor plants. Some plants, like succulents or snake plants, require minimal care, but the presence of them in your home has been shown to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.
Use a sun lamp. Sun lamps (and light therapy in general) have been shown to help with Seasonal Affective Disorder. Sun lamps are designed to mimic sunlight and can often provide great relief if you’re suffering from the winter blues.
Plant daffodils and hyacinths in your yard if you can! These are some of my favorite plants! Not only do they come back year after year, but they begin growing from the ground between the months of January-February, right in the dead of winter. There is something so refreshing about going outside and seeing the daffodils and hyacinths grow taller with every passing day. They bloom very early, when it’s usually still cold out. The bright blooms are one of the biggest comforts for me when I’m struggling with depression.
Buy yourself flowers each week. Winter is damp, gray, and dreary, but having fresh blooms in the house during the winter usually brightens my mood instantly!

You might notice that these recommendations have a common theme: Connecting with nature. We don’t talk nearly enough about how medicinal nature is for your mental health. In the spring and summer months, we are usually outside much more and are therefore connecting with nature without even realizing it most of the time. In the winter, however, we have to be more intentional about connecting with our planet. I have been religiously using almost all of the above recommendations and have noticed major improvements in my seasonal depression. If you, like me, have been struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder, I hope that these tips can help provide you with the relief that you deserve.

blog

Your Feelings Are Not Always the Facts

Your Feelings Are Not the Facts Blackwood 1

One of the most important takeaways from 2022, for myself and many others, has been this: Your feelings are NOT always the facts.

This is one of the more challenging concepts to learn on your path to healing – at least it certainly was for me. When you struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, eating disorders, OCD, or any other mental health disorder, we often (or sometimes all day long) have these intense feelings that cause us to believe things that simply aren’t true. For example, if you’re battling depression, you might go to sleep every night feeling hopeless and unworthy of love and connection. If you have PTSD, your brain can make you feel like every stimulus in your environment is a threat, consuming you with fear and anxiety.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder consists of intrusive thoughts that make you believe beyond a doubt that something horrible will happen if you don’t act on a certain urge or impulse. If you struggle with Anorexia, Body Dysmorphia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder, Orthorexia, or any other types of disordered eating, you may find yourself feeling like you are broken beyond repair. Similar to eating disorders, chronic illness also has us believing that we will be broken, defective, or sick forever.

But none, I repeat, NONE of these feelings are factual. Feelings lie to us sometimes, which can be hard to wrap our minds around, especially if you’re a very intuitive and empathic person, like I consider myself to be. Personally, this past year, my battle with a chronic health condition called endometriosis has brought me to my knees. I have had two major surgeries occurring at both the beginning and the end of the year. In the midst of my health struggles, I started to feel hopeless. That voice in my head started to tell me that “sick” was just going to be a part of my personality now.

After my second surgery, which to date (fingers and toes crossed!) has been successful, I still had trouble believing I would be okay. I kept believing that another bad thing was just waiting around the corner for me. I felt on edge, hypervigilant, and believed that maybe the surgeon missed something or maybe the rest of my life would consist of surgery after surgery. But here’s the thing:

These were my FEELINGS. My feelings, while very valid and understandable, are not facts. So what are the facts here?

1. Parts of 2022 were terrible to me. But I’ve also had massive growth and joy in other areas of my life. I created the most beautiful garden in my backyard, my business expanded, and I even went on my DREAM vacation to Fiji.

2. I have a chronic health condition, and it has caused me severe pain and lots of loss. But my second surgery was very successful. The surgeon, who is one of the top doctors in his field, was confident that I would be okay. So many women in similar situations have had success under this doctor.

By looking at the facts, I am by no means discounting my feelings and fears, but rather, I’m not letting my feelings or fears rule over me. If I just paid attention to my feelings, I would be a ball of panic and anxiety on a daily basis. However, when I take a minute to consider the facts, I notice my feelings shift from despair and panic to hopefulness and optimism. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you should ignore your difficult feelings. You need to make space and time to honor and acknowledge your feelings, but I don’t want you to get stuck there! It’s important to learn how to manage your feelings, all while recognizing that feelings are very different from facts.

So the next time you find yourself overwhelmed or paralyzed by negative feelings as a result of a mental health disorder, please make yourself a cup of hot tea, take some deep breaths, and remind yourself:

“My feelings are valid and understandable, but they aren’t always factual. I may feel awful, but that doesn’t mean I AM awful and that doesn’t mean tomorrow, the next day, or even 10 minutes from now won’t be better.”

blog, Change, death, depression, domestic violence, Mental Health, self care, sexual abuse, shame, suicide, trauma

Poodle Science: Accepting Who We Are

Diet Culture

Did you know that the diet industry is a $70 billion, that’s billion with a B, industry? Did you also know that 95% of diets fail? I’ll let that sink in for a second!

People spend more than $70 billion in a year on a product that will fail more than 95% of the time! Would you buy a car that wouldn’t work 95% of the time, a house that had a 95% chance of collapsing into a pile of rubble, or buy clothes that had a 95% chance of falling apart on the first wear? Of course not! Yet that’s what millions of people in America do each and every single day when they go on a diet. They’ll spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on something that will ultimately fail them.

Poodle Science

When I begin treatment with clients who have an eating disorder, like Anorexia; Binge Eating Disorders; or Bulimia, one of things I introduce to clients is Poodle Science. I was introduced to this concept by Tianna Smith, a a wonderful dietitian based in California. For the non-dog lovers out there, a Bullmastiff is a HUGE dog that usually weighs 100 pounds or more while a Chihuahua is a small dog that usually weighs around 6-7 pounds. Because of genetics, it would not matter what kind of diet or exercise you did with a Bullmastiff, it would NEVER weigh anywhere close to the 6-7 pounds of Chihauhua. Not only that, that Bullmastiff would probably be pretty miserable from the lack of food and constant exercise. And yet, it would never come close to having the bodily figure of a Chihuahua.

At SYTI counseling, when we work with our clients in therapy, we talk to them about Poodle Science because the same concept applies to humans. We have a biological blueprint based on our genetics that determines the shape and size of our body. Some people will naturally be 100 pounds while others will naturally be 150 pounds or more. Like the Bullmastiff and the Chihuahua, it’s an impossible fight for a 150-pound person to try and get down to 100 pounds. All you will do is fail, be miserable, and in some cases do incredible harm to your body. By accepting your biological blueprint, you are going to lead a happier and healthier life. So, the next time you see or hear diet culture in the media, brush it aside and be proud of the beautiful body you have!

blog, depression, Mental Health, self care, shame, trauma

Chameleon: People Pleasers & Fawning Explained

I really wish that we were talking about Pascal, the chameleon from Rapunzel. He is one of my favorite Disney characters! Has anybody ever discovered a stuffed animal Pascal? I’ve looked high and low but cannot find one anywhere! So if you know where I can buy one, please let me know. Clearly it’s a very urgent matter!

But I digress. What I really want to talk about today are the human versions of chameleons – those whose thoughts, beliefs, and opinions can change depending on their environment. Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, first coined the term “fawning” as a trauma response. Fawning is essentially described as being a chronic people pleaser. Some trauma survivors will engage in fawning, or people pleasing, as a way to diffuse tension if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. But what I don’t think many people know is that fawning extends beyond saying “yes” to everything and everyone’s requests. People pleasers are also the kind of folks mentioned above – the ones who tend to have different beliefs or different personalities depending on who they are around.

For example, someone who is fawning could look like your friend that tells you all the time she is a Democrat, but in a room full of Republicans she will quickly turn into one of the most passionate Republicans the world has ever seen. Someone who is fawning might also look like that cousin of yours who complains constantly about how much she hates this one person in her friend group, but the second she hangs out with that person she acts like the two of them are best friends.

As a whole, the public generally doesn’t take kindly to people who behave like this. It creates a sense of mistrust and frustration among people when they see that somebody acts one way one minute, and is completely different the next minute.

Now I am not saying that every single person who engages in these types of behaviors is fawning, because that simply isn’t the case. But what I am trying to say is that sometimes people aren’t trying to copy others and sometimes people aren’t changing their beliefs and values out of a desperation to fit in. What this behavior actually could be is fawning, or in other words, a type of trauma response.

I myself can be like this when I feel threatened in some ways. Recently, I found myself in a situation that felt tense, uncomfortable, and downright awkward. The people around me were in a heated discussion about something that I actually found offensive. On a good day, or even a so-so day, I might have chimed in and dared to have an opposing viewpoint. But on this day in particular, I was already having such a bad day, and between the topic of conversation and the harsh tone of everyone’s voices, I was triggered beyond belief. I did the only thing I could do to try to get the conversation to come to a close: I simply agreed with them. Yep, against everything I believe in, I became the person that I thought that they wanted me to be and I agreed with what they were saying, even though, if you were to ask me to speak on that same subject any other day of the week, I would have given you a completely different opinion.

I didn’t agree with them because I had an overwhelming desire to fit in, and I didn’t pacify them by siding with their beliefs because I wanted to make friends with them. It was more so that I felt emotionally unsafe, and feeling that way put me in such a high state of emotional distress that I said whatever I could to get myself away from the situation. Fawning, like fight or freeze or flight or any of the other trauma responses, is a survival tactic. I wasn’t able to fight or flee the situation, so I became a chameleon and I blended in with my surroundings in the best way that I knew how.

Millions of folks do this. I’ve watched it time and time again, and while a younger version of me might get annoyed and accuse that person of not being genuine, the person I am today realizes that so many people engage in fawning because they have found themselves in situations that trigger their previous traumas.

While I have come a very long way in my PTSD recovery, I was reminded by this event that there is more work to be done. Even though I am tempted to sit in a pit of shame and self-loathing, I’m refusing to do so because my brain did whatever it could to keep me safe in the moment, and that is no reason to feel ashamed. So here I sit, pouring vulnerability onto the page in the hopes that I can educate other people on this type of trauma response, as I think it is often misunderstood and creates a lot of tension in relationships.

To those of you who have never engaged in fawning and don’t quite get it, please be patient with us.

And to those of us who struggle with fawning, let us try to have more compassion for ourselves. We have brilliant minds, built for survival. And although fawning doesn’t always serve us well, it did keep us safe and alive for many years. We are all a work in progress, but please oh please, don’t forget to love yourself throughout the journey just as much as you’ll love yourself once you’ve arrived at your destination.

blog, depression, Mental Health, OCD, trauma

“I’m So OCD About It.” The Harm of a Common Phrase

**Trigger Warning**

I am quite guilty about having talked like this in the past: “I’m so OCD about it.” About what? How clean I like my house to be, how I organize my closet, etc. I can even recount many times at the gym where I would be in the middle of a fitness class – God forbid the instructor accidentally lost her place and we ended up doing 11 kettlebell swings with the right hand and 10 kettlebell swings with the left hand. I’d be the first to say out loud: “Oh my gosh, we’re uneven, we have to do one more one this side – I’m so OCD about it!”

A lot of us do this, but as I got older and started becoming more seasoned as a therapist, I realized how wrong those comments were. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can be a crippling mental health disorder in which we find ourselves having to act on certain impulses in order to quiet the thoughts in our head that just won’t seem to stop.

Yes, people can develop OCD symptoms around cleanliness, disorganization, and numbers, like I mentioned above, but the obsessive thoughts can also be much more than that. You see, when I would make those comments like the ones I mentioned above, I would laugh, my friends would laugh, and we would go about our day. But the truth is, I was joking about an issue that runs so much deeper and is more serious than most folks know. While many of us joke about having OCD, the truest form of the disorder is brutal.

Of all of the things I have battled throughout my life, the one I talk about the least is my OCD, mostly because I know that my OCD is a result of my trauma and in treating the trauma, I am also treating the OCD.

But truth be told, OCD is an absolute beast, one that lives with you, follows you everywhere you go, and keeps you from sleeping at night. It’s the worst friend you’ve ever had, but cannot seem to get rid of. It’s counting how many times you chew your food before you swallow, it’s making sure you step on the scale 3 times just to make sure the scale is right. It’s this irresistible compulsion to say your prayers exactly the same way every night, fearing that something bad will happen to you if you don’t.

This elusive beast comes in many forms, and what I named above are only a few symptoms that people with OCD may struggle with. Looking back on my childhood, I know that my OCD began as early as 3rd grade, where I remember washing my hands so much and for so long that my skin would bleed. As I got older, my obsessions then became about people breaking into our home. I would have to check the doors at night, dis-arm the alarm that my mom already armed, check to ensure the garage door was shut, and then re-arm the alarm. After about 3-4 rounds of doing this each night, only then could I be assured that the doors were truly locked and the alarm was truly set.

And have I mentioned intrusive thoughts? I could write an entire blog post on intrusive thoughts so I won’t dive too deeply into this, but they often couple with OCD. For example, if you’ve ever been driving your car on a highway and suddenly thought to yourself: “What if the car next to me runs me off the road and I crash into a tree and die?”, this is an intrusive thought. Or maybe worse, you’ve even pictured the entire event taking place in your head. This is also an intrusive thought, and you are not alone if you have them.

Often times we develop compulsions to quell our obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Some examples include:

-Driving to work: Did I check the stove to make sure the gas isn’t on? (after having checked it 20 times before leaving) Am I sure my dogs are safely in their crates? What if there is a fire and my house burns down?

-Driving home from work: Did I really blow that candle out in my office or did I just imagine it? Let me turn around, I have to check, I can’t be responsible for burning down the building. *drives back to office, confirms that the candle is blown out, starts driving home again* Okay but what if I imagined that? Did I really blow out that candle? *Gets home from work 45-60 min later than expected because I have to act on my compulsions*

It’s terrible. It’s exhausting. This is the case for so many folks with OCD. It’s not just about wanting your house to be neat and orderly. It’s about needing to do certain things to avoid horrible things from happening and to quiet the brain.

I understand things so much differently now. I used to have the attitude of “I’m not changing the way I speak just to save other’s feelings” but the older I get, the more I realize how much of an impact words have on myself and others (I am a therapist, after all!). Intent does not equal impact – and even if I was just joking all those times when I said “I am so OCD about it”, I realize that it is nothing to joke about.

1. If you have been diagnosed with OCD, know you’re not alone and there is no shame in sharing the thoughts and compulsions you are having. In fact, speaking them out loud takes the power away from them.

2. If you have never been diagnosed with OCD, but resonate with some of what I’m saying in this post, please reach out for help. You don’t have to live like this forever and managing the symptoms truly does get much easier.

3. If you have no experience battling OCD, but often say phrases like “I’m really OCD about it”, maybe consider trying to change your words. What else could you say instead? “It makes me feel frazzled and disorganized when my house is a mess” or “I prefer my closet to be organized by color because it makes me happy” are just a few examples. The beautiful thing about language is that there are millions of ways to say something without using words that might minimize the beast that is OCD.

To learn more about obsessive compulsive disorder, please visit https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/index.shtml

*All information about OCD is derived from my training as a clinician. No articles or websites were used to create this post.*

blog, Mental Health, self care, trauma

Boundaries vs. Threats

Let’s break it down, shall we?

BOUNDARIES

Boundaries are limits that we set with other people or sometimes, even ourselves. The point of setting a boundary is to protect our own physical, social, and emotional health. Setting boundaries with others can look like:

-“Thank you for the invitation, but I can’t go out this weekend.”
-“I won’t be joining you for the holidays this year due to the pandemic.”
-“I have let you know repeatedly that I do not want to speak about this topic. If you continue to bring it up, I am going to leave the party.”
-“I have told you that I am not comfortable meeting up without masks. If you are not able to wear a mask, let’s wait to meet up until it’s safer to do so.”

Again, boundaries are put in place to honor ourselves and protect all aspects of our well-being.

THREATS

Threats are designed for us to get the things we want and/or need, often at the expense of someone else. Threats typically come in the form of a warning that someone or something might be harmed if we don’t get what we want. Some examples of threats might be:

– “If you are going to continue dating that guy, then I’m going to stop asking you how you’re doing since you’re only going to get hurt.”
-“If you don’t spend the holidays with us this year, then I’m not buying you those shoes you have been asking for.”
-“We aren’t having sex at night anymore since you clearly can’t even have the laundry done by the time I get home from work.”
-“I’m paying for this wedding so I think I should have some say in where you have it.”

Threats are about securing our wants and needs by taking something away from someone if things do not go our way.

THE THIN LINE

As you’ll notice in the section on boundaries, none of the examples I provided were about doing harm to the other person in any way. The only thing a boundary should do is help us to protect ourselves without doing harm to others. The line between threats and boundaries starts to blur when we start punishing other people for not getting our way. There is no punishment happening when we tell others, for example, that we aren’t comfortable meeting up with them unless they are wearing a mask. There is punishment happening, however, when we withhold sex, threaten emotional neglect, or hold money over people’s heads in order to get what we want. Sometimes it can be quite difficult to tell the difference between a threat and a boundary. Many people feel that they are one in the same, but that could not be further from the truth; and it is important to suss out the difference so that we are taking good care of both ourselves and our loved ones.

blog, COVID-19, Mental Health

5 Tips for Finding the Right Therapist

It’s happening – we are starting to deal with a mental health pandemic as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. I am seeing it in my own patients, I am talking about it with my colleagues, I am seeing it in my friends and family. This pandemic has been going on for half the year, with no ending or solutions in sight. This is causing extreme upticks in anxiety, depression, PTSD, and relationship issues, among many other problems. The more I talk to friends and colleagues in the field, the more often I hear them saying “I’m so booked up with new patients that I have to start turning people away who are looking for therapy.”

On one hand, the thought of how badly people are struggling from this global pandemic makes my stomach turn. On the other hand, I am glad people are taking care of themselves by getting themselves in to see a therapist! If you are one of those people who are thinking that it might be a good idea to talk to someone, I thought I would share a few tips for finding the right therapist. I know it can be a daunting task – I did not see my very first therapist until around 21 years old and it took me about 4 years of switching from therapist to therapist just trying to find one that I felt like understood me. But don’t let that deter you – most people don’t spend years trying to find the right therapist, although it certainly can take some time. Below are a few tips to keep in mind when trying to find the right professional to help you:

Know the difference between in-network therapists and out-of-network therapists. Out-of-network (OON) therapists do not accept your insurance directly, but that doesn’t mean your insurance will not pay for some or all of it. Know what your insurance will cover before starting the search – check with them about whether or not you have OON benefits and if you do, ask about any deductibles, percentage reimbursed, and out of pocket maximums. Many insurance companies will reimburse you between 70-80% of an OON therapist’s fee. Knowing this information will help you to better refine your search for a therapist who is a good financial fit for you.
Do not limit yourself to a quick search on Psychology Today or just the list that your insurance company provides you. Don’t get me wrong, Psychology Today is awesome, but especially now that most therapy is virtual, searching on Google will allow you to widen your search to therapists that are just about anywhere in the state.
Do your research if you think you have found a therapist who you might be interested in. Read their websites, send them an email, ask them a few questions, request a brief phone consultation. Try to get a feel for the therapist before deciding if you want to schedule an appointment.
Look for therapists who specialize in specific disorders, treatments, or life stressors/events. Be wary of those who say they specialize in just about everything – it’s very important to find someone who knows his/her limitations. Not all of us can be experts in everything. For example, if you are looking for a therapist to treat you for difficulty coping from a miscarriage, you would not want to see a therapist who has no experience or specialty in this area. This could ultimately do you more harm than good.
Most importantly, remember that this is about you. When you do meet a therapist for the first time, they will be asking you many questions, but it’s also important for you to ask questions of your own. You are the one who gets to decide if you want to establish a relationship with this person – and having a good relationship with your therapist is one of the most important predictors in treatment success. To put it plainly, if you’re not feeling the connection, it’s probably not going to work out.

Hopefully these tips will help those of you who are thinking about searching for a therapist but have no clue where to begin. And if you’re still on the fence about whether or not you want to follow through – hop off that fence and give yourself the gift of therapy. It took me a while to find the right therapist (it probably would not have taken me nearly as long if I had known the information listed above), but even on my worst days, I can say that my therapist is the best gift I have ever given to myself.

blog, child abuse, Mental Health, sexual abuse, trauma

The Predator

A few weeks ago, I finished reading Abigail Pesta’s book, The Girls, a book about the USA gymnasts who took down sexual predator Larry Nassar back in 2018. If you are not familiar with the case, Larry Nassar was a highly esteemed doctor at Michigan State University. He also served as the doctor for the USA gymnastics national team, where under the guise of treating young gymnasts, he spent decades sexually abusing them. Larry had convinced his victims that his “treatment,” which included digital penetration, was medically necessary for their recovery.

As Larry’s heinous crimes continued to escalate, he would often abuse children while their parents were sitting in the same room, using his body to shield the parents from seeing what was happening. He worked double-time to develop sincere relationships with the girls and their parents….so much so that they came to view Larry as a friend, a confidant, and a trusted doctor.

After Larry was convicted in 2018, the presiding judge, Rosemarie Aquilina, gave each of the survivors the chance to speak about their abuse and how it affected them. One by one, the women rose up and spoke their truth about the ways in which Larry’s abuse ruined their families, their psychological wellbeing, their ability to form healthy relationships, and so much more.

The victims blamed themselves for never speaking up, for trusting an esteemed doctor who appeared to have their best interest at heart. Parents of the victims also blamed themselves, finding it inconceivable that their child could have been assaulted while they were sitting in the very same room.

Let me crystal clear about this: There is absolutely no blame to be shared among the victims or their families.

The fault lies entirely with the abuser himself, as well as the other adults who were aware the abuse was happening and chose to do nothing.

What? Others knew and did nothing?

That’s right. NOTHING. There were so many people who did not believe the girls when they tried to ask for help. They explained away Larry’s actions, which left the girls feeling more confused than ever. For decades, people were able to pretend as if this horrific abuse was not happening.

But it was. And the sad, disturbing fact of the matter is that there are many more predators out there, just like him. Abigail Pesta’s narrative about this particular scandal is such an important read for everyone because it shows how even the most vicious of wolves can be dressed in sheep’s clothing. This is what makes abuse so confusing, this is why some people cannot see it coming, and this (among a million other reasons) is why victims should never be blamed or asked “Why didn’t you speak up?”

Predators are often the ones who work their way into your hearts, gain your trust, build a sense of safety around you, and then shatter your sense of safety by violating you. It leaves you feeling so confused that you don’t speak up. You don’t say anything. Because you spent so much time believing that this person could be trusted that you continue to believe he or she didn’t mean to abuse you – that the violation was just a mistake, or a slip-up. You tell yourself whatever it takes to keep up with the belief in your mind that this person is good for you and has your best interest at heart. To think anything less than that is too much to bear.

Time goes on, this person continues to build trust with you, and then just like that, there comes another violation, another boundary crossed. But at this point, you feel that it is too late. If you speak out now, people won’t believe you because they will question why you didn’t speak up earlier or why you continued to be in contact with a person if you knew he or she was sexually abusing you. So you sink into the shame and guilt, blaming yourself for getting into this mess in the first place.

Before you know it, you have lost all sense of self worth. You continue to find yourself in dangerous situations because you think, after all this time, that you deserve the abuse that you got. You find yourself wondering if your life is worth living, since your body, mind, and soul, no longer feel like your own.

So many people don’t understand nearly enough about this type of abuse, which is why I highly recommend reading The Girls. It is a devastating, sobering, and extremely important book that is helping other survivors of abuse to realize that it’s okay to speak their truth.

I feel it in my bones – the world is changing. The silence of all of the disbelieved, disregarded survivors is becoming louder. For so long, victims of sexual abuse have been told:

-You shouldn’t talk about that unless you’re REALLY sure it happened. You could ruin that person’s life.
-Are you positive you remember it that way?
-Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten so drunk.
-Maybe you’re confusing this memory with something else?
-Well maybe he/she was just being really friendly?
-Did that really happen? That’s a serious accusation. Are you just doing this for attention?

No more. No more. NO MORE. We are finding our voices.

Can you hear us? If you don’t, you will soon. We’re just getting started.

-To the army of survivors who rose up to take down Larry Nassar: I have the utmost respect for all of you.
-To the judge who gave those survivors a voice in that courtroom – I hope you know that you broke the mold and changed the world, especially the worlds of the victims.
-And to the ones out there who still suffer in silence, to the ones who are not ready to speak, to the ones who are not quite sure yet or cannot find the right words to say what happened – there is so much hope. You are so much more than the abuse you endured and you can reclaim what taken from you.

Speak up. Seek help. Find support. And know that you are believed.